Always and Forever Alone

We come into this world, alone. Naked. Innocent. Empty. Alone. While people gather around and celebrate our birth. There is no one who truly shares that experience with us. So we are left to endure it, alone.

As we grow up, and older, and learn to communicate (whatever the means), we quickly learn there are some things, some thoughts, never to be expressed. Intrusive thoughts, evil thoughts. Even bold bright and cheery thoughts, wants and desires are sometimes forbidden and not allowed to be expressed.

So we hide. To our parents, friends, spouses, even counselors. The true ‘us’ is known only to ourselves. Leaving us, once again, alone.

We are each small ships floating through existence with our outer shell the only thing known to others. Leaving our true selves marooned in our own little world in the galactic flash of our life.

Alone extends beyond the individual. In space and time we are all alone. Even if/when another civilizations are found and contacted, we will all still be alone. Together, in our commonality, we will still, and always be, alone with our differences, incompatibilities…and secrets.

In our final hours, either individually, or as a species, we will all die alone. Gathered around, as with out birth, may be people morning our passing, and celebrating our lives, but we will still die alone. Alone with our personal thoughts and experiences of our secret lives that make each of us uniquely alone.

We always have been and ever shall be, alone.

Delta Rae – Bottom of the River

Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down to the bottom of the river
Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down, a long way down

If you get sleep or if you get none
(The cock’s gonna call in the morning, baby)
And check the cupboard for your daddy’s gun
(Red sun rises like an early warning)
The Lord’s gonna come for your first born son
(His hair’s on fire and his heart is burning)
So go to the river where the water runs
(Wash him deep where the tides are turning)

And if you fall
And if you fall

Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down to the bottom of the river (long way down)
Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down, a long way down (long way down)

The wolves will chase you by the pale moonlight
(Drunk and driven by a devil’s hunger)
Drive your son like a railroad spike
(Into the water, let it pull him under)
Don’t you lift him, let him drown alive
(The good Lord speaks like a rolling thunder)
Let that fever make the water rise
(And let the river run dry)
And I said

Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down to the bottom of the river (long way down)
Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down, a long way down (long way down)
Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way, a long, long, long way (long way down)
Hold my hand
Ooh, baby, it’s a long way down, a long way down

Delta Rae – Bottom of the River

Death – Please let it be final

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never wanted to be alive. I never asked for this. High school was the worst. I never imaged I’d make it into my 20s, and some of my classmates believed I had not. Every decade that passes is a surprise to me. A surprise that I’ve made it that far. I’ve constantly contemplated suicide, but only once came close to doing it. I guess I’m just a coward. Now, I’m closing in on 60 years and all I think about is not what a waste of life I’ve had, but rather all the mistakes, misspokes, misdeeds, and people I’ve disrespected along the way. How everyone’s life would probably have been (maybe just a little, but probably a lot) better had I not been in them. Every night these memories haunt me, all the way back to kindergarten – the earliest I can remember: of picking up a kid and accidentally dropping him on the floor. He was not injured, but it did hurt. And I still remember and regret it. Those and the dozens, probably hundreds, of other memories of bad decisions, hurtful words, bad deeds, that swirl in my head every night. When I read about someone dying, the first thought that pops into my mind is “Lucky Bastard”.

Religion. Most religions, teach of “Life ever-after”. I truly hope they are wrong. I want it to be OVER. I don’t want to be haunted and tormented by my misdeeds, however trivial, for all eternity. I want to forget. I want to disappear. I want to go back to the nothing from whence I came. I don’t want any marker, headstone or memorial for me. I want to be forgotten. And I sure don’t want to “start over”. Please, no reincarnation. One living hell is enough for me. Let me sink back into the earth and become food for something else to feed on. Maybe that way there might be some redemption and finality.

2022 – RIP

Since 2020 I’ve thought “This can’t get any worse”. Famous last words. Three years, just me and my dog. Like “I am Legend” meets “Groundhog Day”. Maybe it will get better in 2023. Not holding my breath. In the meantime, here’s a sendoff for 2022.
Enjoy (or not), IDGAF.